The Cross Of Dress
by LazyCatFish
Summary: Haythem out of the ordinary throws a birthday party for Connor as the party ensues also does chaos amongst the guests. An obnoxious, funny, and insulting short story.


'The Cross Of Dress', An 'Assassin's Creed' fanfiction

Summary: After someone warps time and space. Haythem out -of -ordinary: throws a birthday party for Connor. At the party craziness insues after two people are missing.(A random and obnoxious short story.)

Chapter 1: The Man In The Corset

"Suck it in! Arno!" Elise exclaimed tugging back the strings of his corset.

"Oui, Ma cherie." He complied, "Why do I have to cross dress for this party? Elise?" Feeling his shaved face with his hand.

"Cross dress? This is a mere disguise, Besides you are going to look like a handsome woman!" Elise kissed him on the cheek. She finished his corset and bought out the makeup from her makeup drawer.

She dabbed his lips with red lipstick, "There is going to be both old templers and assassins at the party. This is going to be great!"

"But... What if I'm found out?"

"Don't jinx yourself! and you call yourself an assassin! espionage is supposed to be your middle name!" She drew eye liner around his eyes and finished with mascara.

"He's going to be there! I can't go, I might ruin Connor's birthday party! If that happens his father will send HIM to kill me!" Arno whimpered as she flushed his cheeks with powder.

"You are not going as Arno Victor Dorian, You are going as Elise's shy and distant sister Johanna who hates human contact and dislikes the advances of others." Elise explained taking out the dress hoop and putting it around his waist.

"That seems like an easy enough alias,"

"Comfortable now? Ma petite?" She picked out a rose pink satin dress with bows, lace, and embroidery and dressed him in it.

"Oui, I'm beginning to understand why ladies hate corsets." He remarked with a passive smile.

"Remember to laugh like woman; Giggle. Don't laugh full throatedly. Now let's see your greatest impression of a feminine giggle!"She spoke with a devious grin. Fitting a powdered wig on his head.

Part 2: The Party Of Catastrophe

"A party that celebrates a child's birth date what a lovely event! Hopefully they have some good food." Maria said to her husband.

"The Kenways are supposed to be our descendants, unlikely, Maybe they are from your side, Maria?" Altair requested.

"My side? Is your side too."

The both of them got off of their horse and a servant took the horses rains.

"Where are you going? Horse thief?" Altair said making the servant almost piss his pants.

"I'm just going to put your horse in the stable, ser." The servant bowed humbly.

"Come on now, Altair." Maria took his hand and began to take off to the ultra grand staircase.

A woman dressed oddly arrived just after them. She took out her grappling hook. "See you at the party, grand dad Shay!"

"Wait! Evelyn! Where is your brother?" Shay said to his granddaughter.

"Jake is being chased by Jack the ripper the serial killer. So he's busy right now." Evelyn claimed before grappling up the stairs.

"Why is she dressed up like a man?" The older couple asked.

"Old maestro Altair! I'm your greatest fan!" Said a man with an Italian accent.

"Let's keep moving on, Maria. It's Ezio the idiot who disturbed my bones." The couple climbed faraway from the Italian casanova.

\\( ˆoˆ)/\\(ˆoˆ )/

Meanwhile: Elise and Arno road in a horse drawn carriage. Out of no where they saw a man being chased by an armed creature in a mask and a top hat. On the street.

"I guess there is more than one party happening tonight." Arno giggled in his Johanna persona behind a feathered fan.

"Excellent! Johanna! The act is becoming you."

"That is what I'm fearing." Arno frowned. "I can't believe I'm doing this for you, Elise, love it such a painful feeling."

"Arno Dorian would not say that! You are brilliant!" She playfully fanned him with her feathered fan.

٩(๛ )۶

At the party : Edward Kenway sat on a bench drinking rum with his pirate lassies. "Ladies, I never thought my son would have his own son, he was always too busy hating on his own dad. Haythem never knew how it was to grow up poor, He had a great dad who did everything he could for his son."

"Grandfather, Who was my father's mother?" Connor asked Edward.

"That is a good question, I was very drunk when Haythem was conceived. I was even drunker when he was being born." Edward replied honestly with a bottle of rum in his hand. "Most likely his mommy is Anne Bonnie. This fine lady right here."

"We were both drunk from the start to the end. When the boy was coming I said: 'Edward! Give me the rum! This baby is coming out with the ruthlessness of the roaring seas!' Drunken Edward fell over his arse, He didn't know I was pregnant." Anne laughed. (Author's note: who in the Caribbean blue is Haythem's mother?)

"The good times, Anne." Edward commented drinking rum. "Then the other time in Nassau, Black Beard aka William Teach..."

ლ(ڡლ)

Aveline Grand Pré played the piano. In the corner of the room. Haythem drank a cup of tea and sat down trying not to listen to his father's ludicrous story instead the music, which he prefered.

Connor sat down next to his father: "Why did you throw me a birthday party? Father? I really don't need one."

"This is for lost time. Father and Son time." Haytham said as if to assure himself of his half thought out and unexpected decision.

"I don't want to spend time with you. Father and son time? What a joke." Connor said crossing his arms.

"I came back from the depths of the underworld to throw you a party and this is what you say to me 'I don't need one', Your mother is here go speak to her." Haythem said turning his back from his son.

d=()=b

Johanna and Elise sat down eating pastry and tea. Johanna daintly took a sip from the teacup her lips barely touching the teacup.

Elise whispered into Arno's ear "Hail Mary and all the Saints! Your more of a woman than I am! Now laugh gingerly like we're whispering our most inner darkest secrets." Elise said using the fan to cover her face. Johanna obeyed thus began to laugh. All the laughter caught the attention of Edward Kenway the drunken pirate.

"That English man that reeks of boose has been staring at us for the past three minutes" Arno whispered back.

"What do you expect? Our feminine wiles caught his attention" Elise said taking a bite out of a Turkish delight.

"Our feminine wiles?"Arno questioned adding two lumps of sugar into his tea.

"You know what I mean..." Elise laughed.

"Here, Johanna have some Turkish delight they're soo delicious." Elise offered handing a sliver trimmed porcelain dish full of Turkish delight to Arno.

"Oh, My dear sister! I'm trying not to break my corset in two. I will have French macaroons, instead." Arno uncomfortably giggled staying in character placing two French macroons on a small plate.

"Here, Johanna have some earl grey tea." Elise poured tea into Arno's porcelain tea cup.

Edward walked up to the two ladies. Almost tripping over in his drunken stupor. "You lasses need a stronger poison like rum." His rum splashed on the coats of Shay and Ezio.

"You idioti! Now how am I going to get this out of my whites?" Ezio looked down at his white stained coat.

"Don't worry there's enough to go around, mates!" Edward bellowed taking another gulp of rum.

"Of course, an English pirate would be drunk off his arse" Shay mocked.

"English pirate? I'm Welsh. You ignorant potato-grubber!" Edward insulted Shay.

"Those Celts are not worth the fuss. Would the two of you belladonnas like to go to a quieter place?" Ezio exclaimed winking at Elise and Johanna.

Arno wiped his lips with a embroidered handkerchief and Elise hummed a tune to herself. They both ignored Ezio's offer. "Are these two guys going to fight?"

凸(皿)凸

"Where is Arno and Jacob?" Connor asked Aveline.

"Evelyn did say Jacob was being chased by some serial killer called: Jack the ripper. You might want to look at that lady Johanna, doesn't she look odd?" Aveline mentioned to Connor, drinking a glass of wine.

"Odd? She's just one tall and homely lady. What's so suspicious about that?" Connor over looked the two ladies.

"Nothing at all. Where did your parents go to? Connor?"

"I don't want to know." He said turning his head to see that his dad was not lounging in the antique chair.

ヽ()ノ

Jacob flew through the belcany doors onto the refined wood floors. He landed on his glutius maximus.

"ugh, My arse!... And my tail bone."

"Jake! Watch out!" Evie warned him as jack the ripper pounced on him with a kitchen knife. He evaded the knife by rolling to the right side.

"I'm not a pimp! Jack! We already killed you once, go back to the grave."

"With the pimp stick, you are one," Jack's deep voice said.

"This? Some werewolf guy gave it to me." Jacob bashed Jack on the side of the bag mask with his pimp stick with an encarved wolf head he got yesterday.

"Get away from my brother or both assassins and templers will slaughter you, Jack." Evie yelled out to the ripper.

"I will take a hostage, this whore." Jack tempted to grab Johanna.

Arno had enough: "I can't take anymore of this sexual harassment! I am a man!"

Arno ripped off his dress and wig, revealing himself.

"You blew your cover!" Elise cried out.

"I knew she was a man!" Edward said drunkenly.

"So you are one of Leo's friends?" Ezio said.

"Yes, I am one of his friends but not the way you are thinking, I love Elise!" He sung pushing Jack across the banquet table. Breaking everything from the roast to the English china. Jack splunged Arno's head into the punch. Elise pushed Jack away from Arno.

Connor killed Jack the ripper with an arrow through the eye hole of his mask.

"The combat was just starting, Connor!" Elise claimed loudly.

"The greatest party ever." Connor exclaimed with a smug smile.

"You think murder is partying? Connor?" Aveline peered to him with a concerned expression.

Elise took Arno's head out of the

bowl. "You Blew your cover! You fool!"

"You never told me why you made me dress up as a woman?" Arno said moving his hair from his face.

"Haha! You are an amazing idiot, Arno! An exemplary embodiment of an assassin!" She said pungently starting to walk back to the plate of Turkish delight and putting one in Arno's mouth.

"You ...didn't answer ...my question!" He claimed between bites.

"Don't talk with your mouth full!"

凸(皿)凸

"What are we going to do with the dead body?" Aveline asked Connor.

"I'm not sure... Never thought about it." Connor replied haphazardly.

"We could give it to Leonardo." Ezio Thought out loud after gulping down red wine. "We would have to keep the body cool then."

"Put the body in the basement." Edward said as if he had a stroke of genius in his drunken state.

Connor picked up the dead body of Jack the Ripper.

"Open the door." Connor told Aveline.

As Aveline opened the door. Connor noticed something lewd as he walked down the stairs into the basement.

"Mother? Father?!" He dropped the body.

Connor stepped in on his parents: Haythem and Zio who were at the beginning of an intimate confrontation with eachother on a worn couch.

"Son!" Both of his parents turned heads to Connor. "Get out of here!"

"Go up stairs to a bedroom and do your thing there," Connor said dismissing the situation's current details, "We are stashing a body here for Da Vinci."

His parents fixed their clothes and climbed back up stairs to who knows where... Connor dropped the body and returned to the party.

"I wonder what Jack The Ripper looks like..." Elise claimed curiously looking down at the bag mask.

Evie sighed: "You don't want to know..."

(º ﾛ º๑)

Shay approached Haythem as he came out from the basement door. "What were you doing down there? Head master?"

"Can you kill my son for me? Cormac?" Haythem sneered. "That is what I should have done in the first place!"

"Why do you want him dead?" He asked.

"That little ungreatful air headed naive crowd churning patricidal passive aggressive over-EMOtional dimwit piece of bear shit!" Haythem started to go out of character.

"Still not a reason to kill him. Are you losing your mind?" Shay muttered. "Must be an English thing."

"Um, Sorry. I'm just a little more stressed than usual today..." Haythem grabbed a glass of whiskey and began to drink. "Well, Maybe he doesn't deserve to die... Not yet... It seems everything worked out for us in the end, Anyway..."

Edward stumbled upon his son: "My son is drinking the same whiskey as his father, Let's get drunk together! Son!"

"No, I'm not." Haythem threw the glass against the wall behind him.

(๑๑)

Meanwhile Altair and Maria sat together at a lone table enjoying as much food as possible.

"This is some good food! Better than the stuff we had in our time." She happily commented.

"Yes, Hopefully my gut agrees with it." Altair replied eating a creme puff.

"We will grow old and fat, Together." She hugged him warmly.

"Yes, As it would seem if we ate this regularly." He smiled after taking a drink of wine. "Ugh, My stomach."

"What is wrong?My dear? Are you getting the piles?" Maria asked concerning.

"As they say: We should only eat what our ancestry ate ..." He exclaimed before running for the toilet.

After five minutes of waiting. Maria got concerned about her husband. So she walked over to the bathroom and knocked on the door.

"Dear? Are you okay? In there?"

"Ugh, I'm alright."

ヾ(๑)

Zio looked through Connor's presents. Until there was one that caught her sight.

"What is this?" She looked at a time watch.

"That tells time." Jacob said.

"A clock... But it's so small." She looked at clock with some suspicion.

"Now, its time to light the candles, sing happy birthday, cut the cake and open the presents." Zio said placing the birthday cake on the table. "I need something to light the candles."

"Oh, here use this." Jacob said giving Zio a Victorian lighter.

"How do I use this?" Zio asked Jacob.

"You just pull the lever."

"Sounds simple enough."

Zio pulled the lever, aimed it toward the candle but the cake was set aflame.

"Oi! Evie call the fire brigade!" Jake hollered to his twin sister.

"FIRE! PASS ON: CALL THE BRIGADE!" She called to the stranger on the street. Who passed it on to the next.

Instead Haythem simply poured water on the cake and the fire was doused. "It is still edible, Come on, Connor."

"The cake is burnt, Dad." Connor claimed against it.

"Connor, I am THIS close to sending my assassin hunters after you. I paid an unreasonable amount of money for this concoction of sugar, lard, eggs and flour! Eat it or Cormac is coming for you!" A vein started to burst from Haythem's forehead.

Connor shrugged his shoulders,

"I was wondering what was his position was other than being my dad's pale Irish friend. An assassin hunter? He's the guy Achilles would never talk about and only thought about. Is he skilled? Could he kill me? Or I kill him..."

"He walks the streets everyday with hookers trying to jump him. Runs through the northern tundra. Kills assassin masters. Yes, He could take you out easily." Haythem took on Connor's challenge.

"Do I have any say in this? My answer is no. Your son isn't worth staining my blade." Shay claimed.

Zio interrupted them, "Come on, Connor, Your presents!"

"This is a little something Jacob and I brought." Evie said giving Connor small narrow box.

Connor opened the box to find eye glasses. The 1950's chunky vintage kind.

"What are these ugly things?" Connor said bluntly, looking at the glasses in disgust.

"They're glasses. They'll help you aim your pistols and arrows with great accuracy." Evie commented.

"They're cool too. They're also from the future." Jacob foretold.

"How did you get these?" Connor asked putting them on.

Haythem could almost laugh at his son.

"Finally you are happy? Father?"

"You just look ridiculous with the glasses on. What happened to fashion in the time of those glasses?"

Zio got between them: "Can the both of you... Stop!?"

She took out the next present: A book. "This is from... Ezio Auditore... What is this about other than... Lewd drawings!?"

"The younger version of myself was educated in the ACTS of love from this book. Useful for any young hormone crazed lover." He explained forwarded: "Too bad it didn't teach acceptable behavior and sexual deviance."

"Ezio... I can't read the Italian language." Connor said.

"Son, This is more of a pornographic picture book than words." Haythem corrected him looking through the book.

Evie snatched the book: "This is gross."

"That would be rather uncomfortable." Elise said looking on with Evie.

"I think that was how I was conceived." Arno pointed out at a rather asinine position.

"Oui, That would explain a lot about you, Arno." Elise giggled.

Jacob began to laugh: "I think I might have did that once..."

"Me, Too." Aveline agreed.

"Here, Grand son. This is from the grandfather you never got to know." Edward gave him a heavy chest. "Your inheritance your greedy father would never have given you."

"My inheritance?"

"Loot he stole while pirating." Haythem claimed.

"From monarchs and nobles who had more than they needed."

Connor smirked: "I have no problem with that." Opening the chest to find gold, gems and diamonds. There was also something quite odd in the middle of the chest. A small Roman statue of a nude woman.

"Um... What's this?" Connor said taking the statue out of the chest.

"That's not suppose to be in there!" Edward shouted grabbing the statue out of Connor's hand. "I must have accidentally stuffed it in the chest in a drunken state." Edward sighed putting the statue in his coat.

"Here, Connor." Aveline gave Connor a nicely wrapped box with a bow.

"Oh, thank you." Connor said starring nonchalantly at the nicely wrapped box.

"Connor, your supposed to tear the wrapping paper and open the box."

Connor ripped the wrapping and opened the box to find a nicely crafted tomahawk. With steel and encarvings in the wood.

"Crafted myself." Aveline smiled proudly.

"Um... Thank you, again Aveline. You know exactly what I want." Connor said putting the tomahawk in his belt.

Elise handed over a large pink bag to Connor: "Here this is from Arno and I."

Connor took out what appeared to be Arno's common attire. "Uh, These are Arno's clothes and shoes... They smell."

"Arno? What happened to Connor's present?" She asked him.

Arno snatched back his clothes: "I totally forgot about this... It's in there, I wasn't going to stay in that corset for the entire party. I'm going to go... change."

The second pair of clothes were of the bright and loud clothes of a fluent 18th century dandy. "This is what you got me?"

"It's going to look magnificent on you." Elise smiled brightly.

"I will hand this horse down to you, Connor." Altair gave him the reins to a horse.

Connor petted the horse's mane."Doe's she have a name?"

"Her name is Magnolia." Altair replied.

"Altair! That horse is the horse you came here on. How are you going to get home?" Maria became angry with her husband.

"um... We can ride together... It will be... Romantic."

"Altair Ebn La Ahad!" Maria Thorp bursted into flames of anger.

Shay held a huge stuffed polar bear in his arms.

"Happy Birthday! Connor, head master Kenway's son." He said giving Connor the huge stuffed polar bear.

"Is that a taxidermy bear?" Evelyn asked.

"Yes, I killed the polar bear myself."

Shay said matter of factly.

"I'm not sure where I'll put this. But thank you."

Arno strutted back into the party with his usual clothes and finally came back to his normal self.

"It's funny being fr-... You killed my father! You will pay for all the years I lost without him!" Arno cried out at Shay.

Shay shrugged: "I killed your dad but I'm not going to fight with an abrasive and idiotic child." He shot Arno with a silencer dart.

Arno removed the dart from his arm: "You shot... Me with a... Sleeping... " He passed out.

"Arno, You are a royal pain in the arse." Elise nudged his face with her heeled shoe.

"So, Dad, What did mother and you get me?" Connor asked his father.

Haythem sighed: "As for presents: NOTHING."

Zio hugged Connor: "We gave you the most immaterial and precious gift of all and that is your life."


End file.
